just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
