Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
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Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wear drunk well.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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