I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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