my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
you made out with another girl for some wings
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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