I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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