put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It was confusing and full of hummus
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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