It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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