Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
