the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
