as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
