we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
