On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
it glows. i had to have it.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
