Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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