he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
