I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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