i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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