I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
