Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
