I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
