i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
