We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
