My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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