Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
