I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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