I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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