i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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