the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
