Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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