I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He keeps bees of course he's weird
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
