I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
