Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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