After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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