I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
MIDGETS
????
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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