i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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