The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
high people should be assigned attendants
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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