Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
