just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
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You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
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Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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