There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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