I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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