you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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