Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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