Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
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You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
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I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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