Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain