So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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