Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
