My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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