I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
