im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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