I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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