so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
