Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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