Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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