May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
