I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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